Autism & Attachment

Attachment is a pretty cool concept in psychology.  

It's more than having a deep affinity for orange chocolate, rioja and Matthew Mc Conaughey's abs (or so my college tutors insist).  Attachment is the mutual feeling of security and love that develops between an infant and it's caregiver.  But as well as being warm and cuddly,  it's a deadly serious survival strategy.  Attachment ensures you'll continue to care for the outraged poop-machine that popped out of your (now traumatized) vajayjay.  Evolution hardwired us to fall in love with the fruit of our loins so we don't return the screaming balls of fury to the baby shop, strap on our sparkly high heels, and hit up the nearest nightclub.  Survival of the species etc. etc.

Healthy attachment happens when the caregiver responds to the baby in a loving, consistent way and they learn to co-regulate each others emotions.   The baby develops emotional resilience and is securely attached.  The child grows into an adult who can enjoy healthy, loving relationships.

Disordered attachment happens when care is inconsistent (resulting in insecure anxious attachment), or mostly absent or dismissive (causing insecure avoidant attachment).  Disorganized attachment arises when the caregiver oscillates between the two and the baby becomes.... well.... disorganized.    

The insecure, avoidant adult tends to be emotionally unavailable within relationships and may feel suffocated by love.  They dislike relying on others, and they mistrust intimacy.

The insecure, anxious adult tends to live in fear of abandonment and lack the resilience to cope with being left.  They're often needy, and seek validation from others.  I fall into this group, which is great fun for my (eternally patient) husband.  He totally ruined my anxiety with his damned love and consistency, though.  That, and lots (and lots and lots) of therapy have finally allowed me to retire my preoccupation with abandonment.  Hurray for nice husbands and therapy!

The insecure, disorganized adult tends to crave love while pushing it away, which isn't fun for anyone.

(there's a good article describing attachment here, including a quick test if you want to check what type you are)

That's all well and good when you're neurotypical.

But what about when you're autistic?  How do autistic people form attachments, and what can we do to help them thrive?

Not surprisingly, research shows that autism is associated with avoidant attachment styles.  More reading shows that when parents develop a secure relationship with their kid, that the outlook improves.  It's also hard to tell the difference between what behaviour is autism related, or attachment related.  

Academic papers aren't always helpful in the real world.  Sometimes they just muddy the water.

I think all we can do as parents is love our kids as best we can, and be kind to ourselves when we don't get it right.  I feel a deep love for all my kids, and I know they all love me back.... including Finian.  

Autistic people are clearly capable of forming healthy attachments.  It's our job as parents to do what we can to make this happen.

securely attached

Autism & Lying

I'm a useless liar.

I'd love to say lying doesn't sit easily with my saintly integrity, but that's not it.  

I'm just bad at it.

Guilt gets the better of me (thank you, catholic childhood).  As does having a memory that'd embarrass a particularly dull amoeba (it'd help if I could remember what I lie about).  But mostly it's my acting abilities that let me down.  I blush, stammer, fidget, talk too much and make better eye contact with the floor than the person I'm trying to deceive.  In short, fibbing makes me lose my shit.

In less obvious ways, though, we lie all the time.  I'm thinking hair-dye, make-up, push-up bras, Instagram posts, fake smiles, high heels, coked-up 'craic', magic knickers, shaved legs, Botox, uniforms (we believe uniformed workers have their shit together), flashy cars.... it's a long list.  Feel free to add.

Not to mention the lies we articulate to oil the wheels of social conformity.

"yes i'm fine"

"how lovely to see you"

"no, your arse definitely doesn't look like two bags of  terrified weasels struggling to escape your awful jeans" 

So it's great having Finian in my life because we get to be awful liars together...... because autistic people can't lie, right?

Terribly, TERRIBLY wrong.

Finian has discovered the joys of lying his head off, and I was worried.  Does this mean he's no longer autistic and is going to be replaced by a nihilistic, monosyllabic 17-year-old who lives on pot noodle and cheap cider?  Having my sweet, funny boy transform into a grunting, smelly world-hater does not appeal.

I'm relieved to discover, that telling porkies is a developmental milestone.   It's a measure of our ability to recognize that other people think differently than we do.  So lying (in this context) should be celebrated with cake and wine (any excuse, tbf) and not judged as a moral failing (sidebar; autistic people lying makes the Theory of Mind questionable, doesn't it?).

But mostly it's hilarious.

Me;  Finian, did you eat my chocolate?

Finian; (looking me dead-ass in the eye) No

Me; What's that wrapper in your hand?

Finian; (popping the wrapper in his mouth) No chocolate.

I admire him for eating the evidence.  

This showcases his problem-solving abilities as well as indications of empathetic understanding.  You gotta celebrate the wins.

Finian has helped me view the world from a more creative, humorous, authentic perspective.  Loving that my kid lies to my face is a surprising thing to be delighted about.