Autism & Zen Moments

So I had this really cool experience the other day. 

I was sitting outside watching the wind blow through the trees.  The light was dancing off the leaves in a lovely silvery-green kaleidoscope.  The breeze on my skin was soft and warm, carrying with it the hush of chattering leaves.

I had nothing on my mind.

It was one of those rare, reverential moments when I wasn't chewing over the past or consumed by future worries.

And then I just knew something.  

Not in my head, but deep in my belly.  I knew it without words, in the same way that I know I love my friends and family.

I witnessed each leaf as a discrete thing of beauty, perfect as it's own entity.  But I also saw that each separate piece of foliage was an integral part of the whole tree.  Each leaf reflected the elements with stunning beauty, unaware of it's part of the whole, unaware of it's effect on leaves and roots and branches distant from it.  We live believing we are disconnected beings (which on one level we are) but really each of us is an aspect of something much greater than ourselves.  The whole being greater than the sum of our parts, and all that.

Separation is an illusion.

I'm pretty sure I heard this kinda idea before in an intellectual sorta way.  But I didn't know it til now.   Now I know that we are all connected, essentially the same entity.  We just tend not to experience this, in our limited, human way.

So this is all very cool and lovely.

Now.  Pop quiz.  

How do I explain this to an autistic young man who's so attached to me that he'd quite happily crawl back into my womb and watch My Little Pony videos in there forever?

I'm being tongue-in-cheek about it, but it's safe to say we're at different stages of our spiritual journeys.

It's not that I'm a zenned out ascended master; the only thing I have in common with the Buddha is a wobbly belly and a tendency to lol at shit.  But Finian's attachment to me, while heartwarming and gorgeous, is something I'm aware that I need to bring some ease to.  I want him to live a long, happy life after I am no longer his 24/7 carer.  I don't want his attachment to me to bring him pain.

It's something I need to be sensitive about to help him become the amazing, most expressive version of his beautiful self.

Autism & Attachment

Attachment is a pretty cool concept in psychology.  

It's more than having a deep affinity for orange chocolate, rioja and Matthew Mc Conaughey's abs (or so my college tutors insist).  Attachment is the mutual feeling of security and love that develops between an infant and it's caregiver.  But as well as being warm and cuddly,  it's a deadly serious survival strategy.  Attachment ensures you'll continue to care for the outraged poop-machine that popped out of your (now traumatized) vajayjay.  Evolution hardwired us to fall in love with the fruit of our loins so we don't return the screaming balls of fury to the baby shop, strap on our sparkly high heels, and hit up the nearest nightclub.  Survival of the species etc. etc.

Healthy attachment happens when the caregiver responds to the baby in a loving, consistent way and they learn to co-regulate each others emotions.   The baby develops emotional resilience and is securely attached.  The child grows into an adult who can enjoy healthy, loving relationships.

Disordered attachment happens when care is inconsistent (resulting in insecure anxious attachment), or mostly absent or dismissive (causing insecure avoidant attachment).  Disorganized attachment arises when the caregiver oscillates between the two and the baby becomes.... well.... disorganized.    

The insecure, avoidant adult tends to be emotionally unavailable within relationships and may feel suffocated by love.  They dislike relying on others, and they mistrust intimacy.

The insecure, anxious adult tends to live in fear of abandonment and lack the resilience to cope with being left.  They're often needy, and seek validation from others.  I fall into this group, which is great fun for my (eternally patient) husband.  He totally ruined my anxiety with his damned love and consistency, though.  That, and lots (and lots and lots) of therapy have finally allowed me to retire my preoccupation with abandonment.  Hurray for nice husbands and therapy!

The insecure, disorganized adult tends to crave love while pushing it away, which isn't fun for anyone.

(there's a good article describing attachment here, including a quick test if you want to check what type you are)

That's all well and good when you're neurotypical.

But what about when you're autistic?  How do autistic people form attachments, and what can we do to help them thrive?

Not surprisingly, research shows that autism is associated with avoidant attachment styles.  More reading shows that when parents develop a secure relationship with their kid, that the outlook improves.  It's also hard to tell the difference between what behaviour is autism related, or attachment related.  

Academic papers aren't always helpful in the real world.  Sometimes they just muddy the water.

I think all we can do as parents is love our kids as best we can, and be kind to ourselves when we don't get it right.  I feel a deep love for all my kids, and I know they all love me back.... including Finian.  

Autistic people are clearly capable of forming healthy attachments.  It's our job as parents to do what we can to make this happen.

securely attached