Autism & Smiling

I'm not very photogenic.

If you see a photo of me looking pretty, you can be sure I just deleted a dozen shots where I look like I'm chewing a cheese grater.  I feel sorry for the internet.  Somewhere in the ether, there's a cyberdump littered with terrifying pics of my face trying to eat itself.  It's the place where nightmares go to die.

This isn't false modesty.  

I just can't fake smile.

Finian, having authenticity nailed, doesn't even try.  He has no concept of pretending to feel something he doesn't.  As a result, when he smiles, he lights up from his core.  

Why have we been conditioned to 'smile for the camera' from infancy?  

Who are we smiling for?  

At what cost? 

In 2019, the environmental activist Greta Thunberg was criticised for not smiling during an impassioned speech about global warming.  In more recent months, Grace Tame, a campaigner on behalf of sexual assault survivors, was crucified by the media for not smiling during a meeting with the Australian PM.  Both are young, female and autistic.  They challenged injustices maintained by fat, middle-aged men, and were attacked for not smiling like good little girls.

Autistic people have been gifted with the ability to only smile when they mean it.  Much as we try to inflict our internalised script of 'smile for the camera' on them, they just fucking won't.  Autism, as ever, cuts through the crap with surgical precision.  We'd be wise to watch and learn.

They, and we, do not owe anyone a smile.

I used to hate that the camera doesn't love me.  Now I'm starting to appreciate my inability to please others with a cute smile.

My best, most authentic, photos are taken when I'm feeling awkward and slightly bewildered, reflecting my true self.  The camera can do what it likes with that.

Autism & Misery Porn

 Last night I met three friends (all Autism parents) for something to eat.

The food was lovely, the service was awful and the craic was great.

The thrill of travelling outside a restricted zone and sitting with Actual Humans was intoxicating (my family and close circle sadly don't qualify as Actual Humans).   Eating in a public place without fear of summary execution felt positively decadent.

We had a year and a half of talking to catch up on.  As seasoned Autism mothers, used to summarizing lengthy events into brief, efficient sentences (usually in between peeling children off ceilings etc etc), we covered a lot of ground.  We talked kids, hair, husbands, getting older, mental health, lgbt, missing Pride, work, money, covid, home improvements, school etc.  

We laughed a lot.

Inevitably we talked Autism.  It struck me that we were able to talk about the overwhelming, soul-destroying aspects of living with Autism without spiraling into a well of despair.  We talked about the fear, sadness and exhaustion that colours our days while celebrating the joy that our kids bring into our lives.

We acknowledged the awfulness of it without becoming the awfulness.

It felt grounding and somehow safe to spend time in the company of friends who are practiced at walking that line.  It's easy to get stuck in the habit of misery.  It's equally easy to be seduced by the reality-denial of toxic positivity.  In reality, we have a foot in both worlds.... but hopefully not so deep into either world that we lose our centre of gravity.

There is a balance somewhere between toxic positivity and misery porn.  

It became clear to me last night that surrounding myself with people who don't suck the joy out of me or expect me to be relentlessly buoyant is a healthy place to be.  There is no balance in extremes.  There is liberation in spending time with people who can accept my sadness and  joy with equal enthusiasm.  

Remaining in a state of perpetual misery can be a blind addiction.  Catholic Ireland is especially good at validating torment; suffering is good for the soul.  

Equally, denying the painful stuff, and insisting on relentless positivity, condemns us to an inauthentic existence filled with repressed emotions and stomach ulcers.

Being with friends who see me and accept me, without trying to change my experience to fit their world view, is affirming at soul level.

There is wisdom in keeping good company.