Autism & Abortion

There is no doubt that life is hard when you have an autistic kid (or kids).  Autism derailed my career, finances, friendships and world view.  It caused me to neglect my older children.  It threatened my relationship with my husband.  It kicked my mental health square in the kidneys when I was already struggling to stay upright.  It makes a long, safe, productive life doubtful for Finian.  None of this is news.  I don't feel sorry for myself.  It is what it is.

A question, which refuses to be ignored, has been tapping insistently at the inside of my skull all morning.

If, 18 years ago, I knew that I was pregnant with an autistic child, would I have had an abortion?

One of my dearest friends sent me an article today describing ongoing research in Harvard.  MRI scans of 39 unborn foetuses (at 25 weeks gestation) show undeniable anomalies in the brains of those who go on to be diagnosed with autism.

(for the nerds at the back, the insula is markedly larger in autistic babies than in neurotypical children.  This part of the brain manages sensory processing, motor control, self-awareness, autonomic nervous function, decision making, emotional control and conscious desires.  So it's kinda important).  

These findings haven't been peer reviewed yet, but researchers have been confident enough to issue a press release about their progress. 

My friend asked "what d'ya think?"

My mind immediately pole-vaulted over the bit where they said that early detection equals early intervention. In an ideal world that would be wonderful.  But any autism parent will tell you that services are sorely lacking as it is (unless you pay for them).  Putting more pressure on an already underfunded service is unlikely to yield much benefit.  

I wondered, what I would  actually do with that information if I had it?

So many friends of mine have broken marriages.  Most are on antidepressants.  Few have fulfilling careers.  All are exhausted. Most of us will tell you that it's the relentlessness of autism that's the killer.  

It just never stops.

I won't sugar coat autism.  It really is shit.

But.

I don't believe life is meant to be easy.  I believe we are given opportunities to transcend, or alternatively be consumed by, adverstities.  Autism has pushed me to (and beyond) my limits of endurance.  And yet I still love my son and would happily die for him.  I would not be the person I am without autism.  I would not have the genuine relationships I have in my life without autism.  Autism has helped me become the best version of myself.

That said, if I knew of the trials I had ahead of me, I can't guarantee that I wouldn't terminate the pregnancy.  Abortion would spare myself, my child and my loved ones a lifetime of pain and adversity.  Who in their right mind would consciously chose that, if there were options?

But I would also have robbed the world of my loving, infuriating, hilarious, beautiful boy.  Life without Finian is unthinkable.

It's a chewey question.

Maybe these findings will lead onto treatments to limit the effects of ASD pre-natally.  Maybe they'll lead onto earlier screening indicators, meaning parents could chose to abort earlier (abortion is legal up to 12 weeks in Ireland and 24 weeks in the UK, except in exceptional circumstances).  Maybe they'll prompt the purse-holders to value a neurodivergant society and properly fund support services.

The one thing that needs to be removed from the conversation is judgement.  

I'm sure most autistic people are glad to be alive.  Autistic people make the world bright and interesting, and prompt us to be better humans.  But there have been enough incidences of murder-suicide to show how hellish living with autism can be.  The reality of our vulnerable kids being at the mercy of strangers after we die, is also an ever-present spectre.  

There are more grey areas around life with autism, than there are black-and-white answers.

big love