Autism & Alcohol

In the month of December I drank enough delicious red wine to stun a small (but drop-dead gorgeous) ox.

A bratty part of me wants to brag about this.  However, my internal organs, my sleep patterns and my lack of energy are a bit more grown-up, and have responsibly informed me that I need to stop.  Hate that.

I love red wine, and I want it to remain a fun, enjoyable part of my life.  But there's enough alcoholism in my extended family to award me a pedigree, so it's something I have to keep an eye on.  It's reassuring for me to occasionally step away from the rioja and reframe my relationship with it.  I don't want a divorce from it ...... but the odd trial separation with a bit of reflection thrown in keeps things healthy.   

So I'm doing Dry January.

As ever, a month or so of not drinking is illuminating (even just four days into it).  Already I'm being reminded of some unhealthy triggers that urge me to rip the cork out with my bare teeth and neck it straight from the bottle.  I'm nothing if not classy.

Autism is close enough to alcoholism in the dictionary to be worrying.  I've become aware that when I have a stressful spell with Finian (which is just about every day, give or take) I automatically think "I can manage this.  I'll have a glass of wine tonight and I'll be grand".  So instead of enjoying a relaxing drink at the end of the day, I'm self-medicating so I don't go insane.  What a waste of lovely wine.

Autism is hard, and shushing the chattering monkey in my head is easy with alcohol.  Booze soothes any tendrils of dread in my stomach.  It makes everything seem hilarious.  Eventually it drop kicks me to sleep with great insistence.  

But it's not so funny when I wake up three hours later, anxious, fuzzy-headed and unable to go back to sleep.  With another fun-packed day of autism ahead of me.

So I'm using this month to recalibrate, and rediscover less headachy ways of managing the stress of living with autism.  Truth be told, I'm struggling a little with boredom, of all things.  But that's a small trade-off for feeling rested, energised and motivated.

Autism and alcohol has the potential to become a car-crash relationship.  It's really good for me to take a step back from it every so often so I can continue to enjoy it, instead of rely on it.

"if I believe I'm beautiful, it must be true" (Buttercup, 2022)