Autism & Loss

It's hard to imagine what my life would look like without Autism.

Fortunately, its just not something that ever occupied too much of my brain space. 

I fully embraced the enormity of Autism a long time ago, and never waste energy on bitter 'what-ifs'.  At the age of almost 17, Finian 'should' be agonizing over dating, flexing his social muscles in front of his friends and (maybe) wondering about college or careers.  He would almost definitely be smoking and drinking behind my back.  He'd be driving me insane wanting lifts everywhere, and be spending way too much time surfing internet porn channels.  He'd be a walking fire hazard due to the amount of gel cementing his barnet.  His bedroom would be a health & safety nightmare filled with objects so manky that they might be considered living organisms.  

I don't feel a sense of loss over this (no matter how tongue in cheek I sound about it).  I fully accept and love him just as he is.

What I wonder about now and again is how different my life would be if Finian was neurotypical.  

I really wouldn't want to be that person.

On the surface of it, Autism was awful.  It galloped into my life, napalmed my values and belief systems, and obliterated my social and emotional landscape.  It turned my world view on it's head.  For a while, everything was alien and unfamiliar.  I lost a lot.

I lost my career, friends, a social life.  I lost income, freedom and opportunities.  I lost much, much sleep.  I lost what I believed was my identity.

And thank God.

Loss is not always a negative thing.  

Autism wasted no time in shaking off my materialist, egocentric outer shell.  It laid me bare to continue the real work of cultivating my authentic self.  I will always be grateful to it for that.

The reason I can't imagine what life would look like without Autism, is because I don't want to.  My life is harder, fuller and better than I could ever have hoped for.  

Life's lessons come in strange packages.  It's a joy to recognize this.

my favourite teacher