Autism & Violence

Today we are having a particularly autistic day.

Finian is tightly coiled, ready to snap at a moment's notice.  He is physically tense, loudly vocal and sensory seeking.  He is given to short bursts of screaming mixed with crying.  Our usual arsenal of tools to de-escalate an impending meltdown (walks/ showers/ calming the environment/ drives etc) are not quite making the grade.  It's hard to tell how things will progress.  His tension may eventually diffuse.  Or he may spiral into a full-on meltdown.  It's really in the lap of the gods.

When Finian struggles to regulate his emotions, the shadow of violence boils closer to the surface.

It is many years since Finian assaulted me.  In full meltdown, he is more likely to self-harm, usually by scratching himself until he draws blood or by banging his head off a wall or floor.  It's hard to make peace with being thankful that your son chooses to assault himself instead of you, but there it is.  

Until the age of around ten, Finian often lashed out at me.  Probably the most traumatic event was a sustained assault he launched when I was driving the car on a dark, rainy night. Being battered by your child is emotionally and physically shocking.  It's complicated by the fact that, unlike intentional domestic abuse, it's not the child's fault.  His ability to process and express overwhelming emotions was (and is) limited, and sometimes used to erupt in physical violence.  Not that it was justifiable, but it was a measure of his communication difficulties.  Attempting to process being assaulted by someone you love, while trying to manage the overwrought emotions of that person, added confusion to pain.

Eventually, through education, occupational therapy and speech therapy, Finian learned to refrain from hitting other people.  This is a huge deal.  An assault from a grown man is a whole different ballgame to that of a ten year old boy.  Plenty of parents are not so fortunate. He still hasn't fully mastered refraining from self-harm, but he is getting better at expressing his difficult emotions in a healthier way.

That said, when Finian is filled with this level of tension, the threat of violence is never far away.  His capacity to express his rage by lashing out is clearly visible.  I am not afraid of my son, but I am real about the fine line that holds him back from violence.  As a small woman, it feels threatening to have a tall man scream in your face, no matter how much you love him.

Violence lives in the shadows, but it is there.  It is important that I accept it as part of my son's whole Self, no matter how uneasily, so that I can better manage it if it manifests.