Autism & Self-Harm

 Self harming is one of the most devastating aspects of Autism to live with.

As a parent, I am hardwired to protect my kids from danger.  Yesterday I watched helplessly while my son raked his skin with his own nails,  screaming "MAKE IT BLEED!!!"   It was crippling.

Luckily we were able to de-escalate his behaviour before he broke his skin, but many times we can't.

I knew the meltdown storm clouds were gathering as soon as he woke up.  He was cranky and agitated.  His echolalia and sensory seeking were high.  He continuously repeated lists of cars that needed to be locked (a sure sign that his anxiety is high).   We engaged him in our usual calming tactics, but sometimes they just don't work. His agitation increased and he started looking for things to smash.  My glass of water was shattered and he searched for his phone so he could feel the release of breaking something of value.  I took him upstairs for a shower.  Then the screaming started.  He screamed so hard he gave himself a nosebleed.  He tore at his own skin with the intent of drawing blood.  

The fury and fear on his face was devastating.  

Eventually I coaxed him into the shower, which calmed him enough to reduce his self harming.  He continued to intermittently scream and cry for a few more hours.

The impact of my son self harming affects the whole family.  We are exhausted and anxious after each episode.  We second guess ourselves.  We wonder what signs we missed, if we were quick enough to intervene or if we are good enough parents.  I drank too much wine last night in an attempt to calm my nerves and spent today feeling hungover and flat (I've decided to give up drinking on the strength of this.  It's short-term relief but long-term makes things harder).

There are many reasons why special needs kids self harm.  It can be an attempt to regulate over- or under-arousal.  It can be part of particular genetic conditions.  It may be to escape a situation they don't like.  In Finian's case it seems to be extreme frustration with his difficulties expressing himself.  He has functional speech but can only reliably identify two emotions (happy or sad).  He has difficulty telling me if he's hungry or tired.  He can't tell me if something makes him scared or angry.  I am constantly trying to assess his emotional state.

We have used behaviour support plans with Finian's school over the years which have been really successful in reducing self injurious behaviour.  When he was younger, episodes were much more frequent.  But sometimes, the signs slip under our radar, or our calming methods just don't work.

Today we are recovering and re-grouping.  Finian remains agitated, but at a much lower level.  Witnessing your child self harming hurts the spirit of a family in a deep way.