Autism & Kindness

Kindness is a tricky concept to teach an autistic kid.

Finian gets that it's expected of him to occasionally share his salt & vinegar Tayto, but I'm pretty sure he only complies to get me outta his face and not out of a sense of moral obligation. 

Really, it's a tough enough gig for many neurotypical people to grasp.  

Kindness, as the cliche goes, is often mistaken for weakness.  This is a sad loss for the western world (it seems to be a western thing to admire stomping all over other people to get what you want?  Just look at the movies we love).  But kindness is not martyrdom.  

As I get older (and work through a lot more therapy) kindness is starting to appear as more of a superpower.  Maintaining the belief that kindness is the antidote to an often jaded, cynical world is an act of faith.  It requires strength and stamina that some days I have to dig awfully deep to find.

Here's what I believe.

Any act of kindness, no matter how small, creates a ripple effect that exponentially increases positivity and goodness.  Ultimately we all benefit, even indirectly, as it makes the world a better place.  Cynics may roll their eyes, but cynicism is lazy.  It takes thought and effort to emit kindness into a world you may have been battered and abused by.

I guess a caveat is that being kind should not hurt you.  There's nothing to be gained by channeling your inner doormat and tattooing 'masochist' across your face (you'd need a pretty big face tbf).  We are also obliged to practice kindness towards ourselves.

I think a particular challenge is to extend kindness (without hurting ourselves) to those who hurt us, or who we don't like.  That's next level Buddhist shit right there.  It makes sense that wishing ill to others is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.  The only person we make sick is ourselves.  It's a counter-intuitive win-win to extend good wishes towards those who wounded us.

Bitterness shrinks the soul and condemns us to live in the half-light.  Love is liberation.

A really hard part of healing my own wounds is being brave enough to experience the pain and bitterness I  buried many years ago. Owning the awfulness I avoided with overwork, perfectionism, wine and fakery has only been possible because I try to be kind to myself.   I've cried more in the last six months than in five decades (and I really fucking hate crying), but I also like myself better.

Being kind to myself has increased my desire to be kind to others, as I know how healing it is.

Now all I have to do is teach this to my autistic son.

morals never tasted so good

Autism & Pain

I'm not a big fan of pain.

I mean, I'd much rather enjoy a foot massage and a nice glass of rioja than endure a headache.  Pain  stops us in our tracks and demands immediate attention.  It's not much fun and, well, it hurts.  

But humans would probably have become extinct a long time ago if we didn't experience pain.  If a cut on our shin didn't bother us, we'd ignore it and an infection may kill us.  We avoid food that may poison us because it gives us stomach ache.  We go to great lengths to avoid illness and injury because we don't like pain.  So pain is usually protective, like an unwelcome internal alarm system that lets us know when something is wrong.

Recently, Finian tripped and hit his face off the table.  It was awful.  He was bruised, swollen and he screamed blue murder. He looked like he came out the wrong end of a disagreement with a bag of hammers.  I was horrified that he was hurt.  But I was glad he experienced pain.

Finian is able to sense pain and tell me where it is.  If he had appendicitis he'd be able to point to the area and say it hurts.  If he was having a heart attack, chest pain would urge him to seek help.  If he had a leg ulcer, the pain would drive him to get it seen to before he got gangrene.     

Some autistic people lack this ability and have a sensory dysfunction that leads them to have a reduced perception of pain.  They could quite literally die because they don't experience pain.  This can be complicated by cognitive and communication difficulties.

So when Finian attempted to shatter the sound barrier with his screams, I was horrified.... but also glad that he could let me know he hurt.

Autism pushes parents to consider strange paradoxes.  It's not a comfortable place to be, but it is certainly thought provoking.