Autism & Photos

Recently, we've had some really lovely remarks about a photo of James & I on a night out. 

It's always heartwarming to be told how well we look, and what a strong couple we are.

But something inside me kinda broke.

I love photos (which is why I enjoy Insta so much), but they conceal as much as they project.

I guess a photo is a two dimensional snapshot of a moment in time.  The smiles are genuine...... we were having a blast.  But it shows nothing of how hard is to keep moving forward with autism.

Maybe it's more comfortable for me (and for everyone else) to portray our lives as a succession of happy smiles on social media.  It would be quite something if I posted pics of autism in all it's unpretty reality.

Here's the truth of it;

We are not always strong, and we are not always well.

Much of the time we are sleep-deprived, cranky, overwrought, shut-down, exhausted, tearful, scared, lonely, grey-faced, hypervigilant, burnt-out.  

It would be easy to pathologize this as depression, but I'm familiar enough with that to know better.  Depression isn't a 'disease'.  It's an adaptive response to intensely difficult circumstances.

Also, a huge advantage of being a counsellor (and having had lots of therapy) is understanding authenticity.  Authenticity is owning our own reality, in all it's complexities, and responding to our loved ones from that place.  

Living with Autism has dragged me (mostly kicking and screaming) to this place.  It's not pretty, but it's real.  And I like the real me.

I'm not afraid of breaking.  Breaking is necessary to clear away the unhealthy parts that aren't working.  Paradoxically, breaking doesn't break you.

Being real may cost me friends, a clean house, status, a stellar career and that whole bag of jellybeans.  I'm getting used to that.  

But there's a funny joy in it all.  When you don't resist breaking, and become true to yourself, you lose all fear.  All of it. 

It's a strange, exhausting, soul-searching, deeply satisfying journey that autism is taking me on.

It really is a funny old life.

happy to be here