Autism & Sexuality

Yesterday, a pleasant chat with one of my nieces created an unexpected shift in how I see myself, and in how I parent Finian.  It's funny how profound growth can surprise us in the most ordinary of situations.

We were talking about relationships, when a clear, undeniable truth crystalised in my mind.  If I was a young, single gal again I would be open to dating girls.  I'm not sure if that makes me bi, pan or curious.  I'm not sure I'm even that interested in a label.  But learning a new truth about myself is thrilling...... that I am sure about.

Many of my friends and family are LGBTQ+ so I told myself that my attraction to the gay scene was to have a bit of fun while being supportive of my loved ones (plus I love rainbows, so there's that). 

But of course it was a covert way for me to explore my own sexuality without making myself vulnerable to judgement.  I find it hilarious that I managed, with great efficiency, to hide my own sexuality from myself.  Of course I had to, as being anything other than straight, white catholic in 80s Ireland guaranteed social ostracism.  It was a dangerous time to be different.

We all know that denial is a river in Africa..... but it  also appears to have plenty of tributaries in Co.Monaghan.

It's criminal that I grew up in a time when sexual exploration meant being an outcast.  Our sexuality is central to who we are, and to be battered and shamed to comply to a social norm is the real sin.  An awful truth dawned on me that the damage inflicted on our identity doesn't stop with us as individuals. 

It also affects how we parent.  

If we don't understand our own sexuality, how on earth are we supposed to help our special needs kids navigate theirs?

It's tricky enough to walk our neurotypical kids through the shifting sands of hormones, identity and orientation.  Throw autism and an  attitude conditioned by shame and self-loathing into the mix, and we have a recipe for a steaming hot mess.

I think the way forward lies in our openness to admit that we don't have any answers for our kids.  It seems to me that the best way to discover who we are is by feeling our way along in the dark, without direction from tradition, parents, churches, peers or social expectations.  We can find our true, authentic path by attending to the still, small voice within.

It's entirely possible to grow in tandem with our kids, if we are humble enough to feel our way in the dark with them.