Autism & Grizzly Bears

I've written about Autism and fear before, but it's a weighty topic.  It's too big an animal to reconcile with in one post (or maybe even one lifetime).  

I visualise fear as a grizzly bear napping on my kitchen floor.  I try to tiptoe around him.  I fear disturbing him, so I mop around him.  I know there's a large, bear-shaped patch of muddy floor beneath him.  But as long as I can't see the gritty shadow, and he remains sleeping, it's not a problem, right?

I've dealt with many guises of fear in therapy.  It has shown up in the shape of people, loss, trauma, powerlessness, illness, abandonment, perfectionism and all the slings and arrows of life.  I've survived them all.

But there's still a big fucking bear on my kitchen floor.

Most of my defense mechanisms have been therapied out of me.  I can't (and won't) think, drink or distract my way past this. 

We're in the middle of planning adult services for Finian.  I use the word 'planning' advisedly, as we have no idea what we are planning for.  Illusion, smoke and mirrors mostly, it seems.  Endless meetings, assessments and soul-destroying forms circle back on themselves with no clear destination.  

In 3 months Finian will turn 18 and leave the familiarity of school and respite.  The path he's blossomed on abruptly terminates at a cliff edge we can't see over.

I'm terrified.

The well-being of my vulnerable son is in the hands of people I don't know, turning cogs I don't understand.  He could be lucky and be placed in a day service where he will thrive.  Or he could be dropped like a stone with a wry shrug.  His fate will be decided by funding, politics or a rubber stamp.  My husband and I are advocting for him at every turn, but one day we'll be gone.  He'll be at the mercy of faceless people in offices who are more concerned with budgets than humanity.

I'm sick of being scared.

At the risk of snapping an already stretchy metaphor, imma poke the bear awake and either dance or be devoured.  I've wasted a lot of time and energy avoiding the fear.  I need to sit with it, feel it, meditate with it and process it.  I need to integrate the fear as part of my tapestry instead of having a wild animal controlling my home.

The only thing to fear, is fear itself is a cliche because it's true.  I've learned that embracing difficult emotions fully always leads to growth...... it's just that without awareness, my default poition is avoidance. 

I'm curious now about what this will unfold.

Fancy a chat?