Autism & Uncertainty

It's been a strange day.

I woke up unsettled and disorientated.  My dreams made me wonder if last night's herbal tea was sourced from a meth lab instead of Holland & Barret.  My head trips felt like they belonged to a 60s love-child forced to eat their way out of a field of magic mushrooms.  I was spaced out and cranky before my feet hit the floor.

My reflection in the bathroom mirror did nothing to ground me.  It felt like a family of disagreeable badgers moved into my hair overnight.  My expression suggested I may have been chewing thistles.  It wasn't good.

Then my bra tried to murder me by attempting to stab me in the heart with a rogue underwire. 

It was all very disconcerting.  

Things felt uncertain, like normality couldn't be trusted.  

By the time I drank enough tea to regroup into something semi-functional, I wondered if this is what life feels like for Finian.  

Does it feel like an unpredictable, sometimes unwelcome, world happens to him?   

He's facing into huge life changes, most of which he has no input into or control over.  The direction of his adult life will be dictated by people he doesn't know.  He has little comprehension that any of this is even happening.  The unfairness of it is crap.

It's hard to find any certainty in this life.  Being autistic has to intensify that experience.

There's truth in the paradox that uncertainty is the only certainty.  This is something neurotypical people try to integrate into their world view.  But it gets tiresome when lack of clear direction muddies the water even further for autistic people.

I don't know much, but I know I'm done with herbal tea and homicidal underwear.  

I suppose it's nice to be certain of something.  

"one star on Trip Advisor"