Autism & Ability

I like to think of myself as being adventurous rather than unwise. 

It could even be true.

In my 50 years on this earth, I never quite got the hang of running.  I seemed to lack the ability to coordinate breathing, moving and remaining alive at the same time.  On the strength of this, I decided that I had to train to run 5 km.  It seems my defiant streak shouts louder than rationality.

So I gave a two fingered salute to Wisdom and started to run.  Wisdom, however, promptly gave me a two fingered salute back by trashing a muscle I never even heard of (the soleus, apparently.... which up til now I thought was a type of ice cream).     

So, I'm hobbled.

My stellar running career has been put on hold,  and my ego is sitting on the Bold Step thinking about what it's done.

Limping around is one thing.  Apart from being endlessly entertaining to my family (who find it hilarious because they're a bunch of bastards), being slowed down is driving me crazy.

Using the stairs takes forever.  Housework has slowed to snail's pace.  Every movement requires planning, intention and lots of extra time.  The space-time continuum has ruptured along with my disagreeable calf muscle.  

In a minor way, it feels like being temporarily disabled.

The world is not as easy to navigate.  I'm frustrated because I can't do all the things I want to do.  I'm exhausted by the extra effort it takes to manage simple things I previously took for granted.  And this is just a damaged muscle which will repair in a few weeks.

I wonder how many times I'd have to multiply the feelings of frustration, impotence and rage to imagine what being autistic feels like?  It's little wonder that autistic people are often overwhelmed, strung-out and explosive when they live in a world that doesn't match their needs.

I often say that I'd love to live inside Finian's world for a day, to truly understand how to help him live comfortably in this world.  Now I'm not so sure I could manage even that.  My respect for people living with life-long disabilities has dialed up past the max. 

not a muscle