Autism & Learning From Depression

 In my last post I said that Autism and Depression are locked in an ungainly, dysfunctional dance.  

If any of you ever witnessed me at a wedding, I'm a terrible dancer.... even after loosening my limbs with a few shots of industrial strength Dutch courage.  But, what I lack in talent, I make up for with enthusiasm.  

The point is, I'll still dance and love every minute of it, despite moving with all the grace of an electrocuted rhino on acid.  The secret is surrendering to the moment without judgement.  There's a strange joy to be found in the most challenging of circumstances, whether on the dance floor or from the pits of Depression.

Recovery from Depression is shaky.  The tempo changes, I miss beats, I fall over my own feet.  I am clumsy and misaligned and slow to learn.  But I will keep trying.

Humility has become my guide.

This episode of Depression shook up my internal psyche with ferocity.  It mercilessly exposed the toxicity of patterns I am locked into.  It is becoming clear that old coping mechanisms are no longer protecting me, but in fact are damaging my ability to relate to others in a healthy manner.  It is humbling that those I care about have witnessed me at my most difficult, unlovable worst.  It is painful that my flaws have been exposed to others, making me vulnerable to judgement. 

But.                                                                                                                                                      

There is something  freeing about being open to all my weaknesses and flaws.

Openly acknowledging them, without concealing them with humour or smothering them with intellect, is authentic and human.  There's a certain relief in it.  This Depression storm released many shadows from deep within my psyche.  It is an opportunity to engage with them, befriend them, instead of forcing them underground again.  This episode of Depression is giving me the chance to grow.

Another aspect of humility is gracefully accepting help when it is given, whether through actions, challenges or presence.  I have a long road ahead of re-learning how to navigate relationships in a healthy way.  Like any novice,  I will rely on professionals, family and friends to point out when I am being inauthentic, defensive or misguided.  Surrendering to help from others is both freeing and terrifying, but curiosity about who I will become will drive me through the difficult terrain. 

While Autism was a predisposing factor to my Depression, it was not the cause.  It's time to roll up my sleeves and do some heavy emotional lifting, without resorting to my usual excuses.

The only thing vulnerable to judgement is my ego.  

While honouring how it has protected me, it is time to respectfully dismantle it to live as my authentic self.